To all my friends and family, Thank you for making me safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy by sending me your damn chain letters over the last year.
Because of your concern:
* I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
* I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
* I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
* I no longer use saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
* I no longer go to movies because I could sit on a needle infected with AIDS.
* I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
* I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.
* I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
* I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.
* I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops.
* I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
* I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.
* I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
* I no longer look at the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
* I no longer have a cell phone — but that will change once I receive my new Ericcson phone.
* I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
* I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
* I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl about to die in the hospital for the 1,000,000th time.
* I no longer have any money but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me since I participated in their special e-mail tracking program.
I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!
Now if you DON’T send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon.